I Thought My Marriage Was Perfect. Until I Read This…

I remember one night, about a year ago, when I was suddenly awoken by the sound of a drunken couple fighting on the street outside my home in Sydney. It was around 3am, and they were clearly unaware that their fighting was waking up the entire neighbourhood. Or perhaps they just didn’t care.

From what I could ascertain between loud shouts (the boy) and hysterical cries of forgiveness (the girl) they had had a fight because she appeared to be flirting with some random, and her boyfriend was jealous. As he stormed up the street, leaving her all alone and saying it was over, she wailed after him that he never made her feel loved, that she wasn’t flirting with anyone, and that she was sorry. Then, I think she passed out from either too much alcohol, or a broken heart!

As I lay there in bed with my boyfriend (now husband), I snuggled in tight thinking how lucky I was to have a man who never made me feel unloved. Who never made me feel insecure. And who never made me question his love for me. I felt like screaming out to that poor girl, as she hopelessly waited for her boyfriend to return, that he wasn’t the right man for her. I imagined sticking my head out the window and shouting ‘Stay Strong! You’ll meet Mr. Right, you just have to lose Mr. Wrong first, and when you do, that deep hollow in your heart will never return. I promise.”

I still think about that poor girl and the importance of feeling loved on a daily basis. Sure, you’re going to fight with your partner from time to time, but it’s those little acts of kindness and respect for one another that keep that fire burning through the tough times and the good times, too.

For example, my husband has made me tea and breakfast every single morning for the past 2.5 years. EVERY MORNING. He’s never missed one. I never asked for this service, he took it upon himself the first time he stayed the night at my place, and it’s been one of his many little gestures of love to me ever since. Even if I’m standing over the tea pot and he’s sitting down, and I try to pour it myself, he insists that I sit down so he can bring it to me. Bless him!

I never really understood why Alex was so sweet like that. Why he was always making me breakfast, and lunch, and cuddling me, and taking the time to sit and listen to me about my day without any interruptions. I thought he was some kind of angel, some rare form of male who was so bloody nice he made me look like an evil troll. I still believe that, he is my divine husband after all, but I have come to learn so much about these small acts of ‘showing love’Β  since coming into contact with this insanely insightful book…

We were given this book by some friends of ours as a wedding gift. They’ve been married 5 years and credit their insane bond to this book (among other things, of course). They eagerly handed it to us with a guide to read it, and then store it for later, and that’s exactly what we’ve done. Read it together, patiently waiting for each other to finish the page, and then eagerly turning it over to learn more. It’s very addictive.

Basically, the book talks about the 5 languages of love. That is, Acts of Service (making your partner tea); Words of Affirmation (telling your partner they look pretty); Quality Time (playing a game of tennis together); Physical Touch (hugging, back stroking, holding hands); and Gifts (self explanatory).

Essentially, everyone speaks a different love language, and the book hypothesises that if you learn to speak your partner’s primary love language, you are destined to a life of marital bliss. Funnily enough, I honestly believe this to be true. All of Alex’s little acts of love speak my love language, and that’s why I’ve never questioned his love for me. He says he feels the same way, and that’s because I know his love language, and make an effort to make him feel loved on a daily basis, too. It works both ways, of course.

But perhaps you and your partner are not feeling quite so in-sync? Perhaps you need more quality time, and he needs more acts of service, and despite loving each other immensely, it’s getting lost in translation somewhere. I know this has happened to me in the past, I was crying out for quality time in my first long term relationship, and not getting it. As a result, the relationship died.

The moral of the story is this, Happies. READ THIS BOOK! Honestly. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a new relationship, just married, been married for 30 years, or not even in a relationship. Everyone can gain some much-needed life lessons from this book. And even if your marriage seems perfect, you can never have too much love. That’s how I feel anyway.

Stay Happy,
Yaz xx

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8 comments

  1. eskimojo · December 16, 2011

    I love this theory. I used to feel jealous of friends who had partners who would send them flowers, bring them home gifts etc, until I learned about the languages of love and realised that my (now) husband is an acts of service and words of affirmation kinda guy. Then I was able to focus on what he WAS telling me with his love languages rather than what he wasn’t.

    I definitely second you Yaz, EVERYONE should read the book!

  2. brightworm · December 16, 2011

    You’ve sold me! I’m ordering the book tonight, seems like a great read.

  3. memybestandi · December 16, 2011

    I’m with you eskimojo I had that when I was with the wrong man too and that hollow you mention Yaz.

    My husband is the breakfast King too- every morning her gets me up, preps breakie while I faff about getting ready, puts my hot water and lemon in a wine glass for me and administers all my random vitamins and supplements before filling a keep cup of tea to take with em on the bus.

    It means so much to me that I always try to do sweet things back for him and the cycle continues there is a definite progressive cycle to it.

    he would actually love this book – what a beautiful wedding present. You’ve inspired me to get it for my Bestie too who is getting married on NYE.

    Beautiful post Yaz- I have the warm and fuzzies!!

  4. informationforager · December 17, 2011

    Yes, I have recommended this book also in one of my posts. It is excellent. It can’t hardly be recommended enough. It isn’t until someone reads it that they can actually get what it means. Mandatory reading for newlyweds. Sorry, I fumbled there for a second, mandatory for any married or engaged couple. Thanks. Keep Blogging. Keep Writing.

  5. memybestandi · December 19, 2011

    Just reporting back this is in iBook , an audio book and even a free app with assessment in iTunes. if I cant find the book in the shops this week Ill get for the boy on iTunes but like the idea of leafing through it together- the iPad doesn’t seems as rosemantic!!

  6. Annette @ Wellness WA · December 21, 2011

    Oh wow, I really want to read this now!

    I used to work at a book shop and thought it looked a bit cheesy, but I think you’ve turned me onto it now.

    Thank you Yaz xx

  7. zara · January 31, 2012

    Thank you Yaz for your words. I have been with my partner for 12 years, but the past 6 months haven’t been the best. I read your post and realised we had stopped speaking any language together… Forget about breakfasts! So I ended it. I wanted to read that book together but he didn’t want to. But I’m ready to find someone who will!

  8. Yaz Trollope · February 2, 2012

    Oh my goodness, Zara. I’m still waiting to get internet at home so I’m slow on the reply to comments as I’m not receiving them as often. WOW! This is massive. I am absolutely in awe of your bravery and commend you for making such a big decision and deciding that a life filled with love, happiness, and mutual effort between couples is worth fighting for. I have no doubt in my mind that you’ll be rewarded for your bravery, and can’t wait for you to comment here one day that you’ve met the man of your dreams who makes you happier every day, and who reads love books with you, too. All the very best for a bright, happy, love-filled future.

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